Only 7 hours (or so) after posting an emotional Facebook status regarding challenges that I have been facing over the last couple month... I am feeling what I believe Brene Brown referred to as a vulnerability hangover. And because of that, I feel I need to follow up with my intention for posting.
Some parts of me regret using the taboo word of suicide because simply the inclusion of it in the post could and I believe did cause alarm. In the past, I did struggle with severe depression and was hospitalized on a couple of occasions because I was concerned for my own safety. In both situation it was me the spoke up and asked for help. I have always been blessed with a confident voice even in the shakiest shake, and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today and over the past couple of weeks it became very clear to me even in the depth of extreme feeling, suicide was not an option or even something that slipped into my thoughts. Not even for a second. Neither was/is any of the medical routes I possibly would have gone in years before. This for me was a BREAK THROUGH. I was/am coming up against a feeling of rock bottom and I am just going through it. Not necessarily gracefully, but I'm doing it. And I am going through it with vivid awareness of all joy that continues to surround me. This is a beautiful thing.
We are not alone.
On a handful of occasions I have chosen to share moments, feelings and experiences from the shadow side on Facebook and Instagram. I don't do it because I want sympathy or attention or think I am unique or special. I do it for the exactly opposite reason. I do it because I am KNOW I am not alone. I know that on any given day at any given moment there is someone out there that is feeling something similar or nearly the same. I do it because I want my social media to not be a one-sided version of happy selfie's and spectacular adventures. I am deeply aware I am not alone in the tough moments and that has been learned over the years of sharing both on a personal scale of family & friends, as well as, clinical/spiritual settings of treatment groups and women's circles. I also know that not everyone has the same level of knowing the YOU/I/WE ARE NOT ALONE.
Blown Open With Love.
From the moment of posting I started to received heaps of comments, personal messages, texts and phone calls. Some were offering support, some were empathizing/sympathizing, some where friends just checking in. What BLEW ME AWAY where the handful of woman who stepped up and showed up in their own vulnerable strength, who removed the barrier of outward appearance and shared deeply personal struggles/success. My heart has been BLOWN OPEN in the most wonderful way today. Sharing struggles and not focusing on the 'story of what happened' enables a huge amount of genuine connection.
I apologize to anyone who was alarmed or concerned by my post, it was intended to connect and be vulnerable. I am not crumbling nor am I in any harm. In fact, I am feeling the more clarity than I have in months. As I was reminded by one of the beautiful souls who contacted me, just because I feel sadness does not mean I am sadness. Emotion is energy that we can allow to move through us.
If you every need someone to talk to, I am here. Always and Forever.
Biggest love to all, from the deepest places of my heart.