Thoughts & Opinions

Vulnerability Hangover

Only 7 hours (or so) after posting an emotional Facebook status regarding challenges that I have been facing over the last couple month... I am feeling what I believe Brene Brown referred to as a vulnerability hangover. And because of that, I feel I need to follow up with my intention for posting.

Beautiful Breakthrough.

Some parts of me regret using the taboo word of suicide because simply the inclusion of it in the post could and I believe did cause alarm. In the past, I did struggle with severe depression and was hospitalized on a couple of occasions because I was concerned for my own safety. In both situation it was me the spoke up and asked for help. I have always been blessed with a confident voice even in the shakiest shake, and I am incredibly grateful for it. Today and over the past couple of weeks it became very clear to me even in the depth of extreme feeling, suicide was not an option or even something that slipped into my thoughts. Not even for a second. Neither was/is any of the medical routes I possibly would have gone in years before. This for me was a BREAK THROUGH. I was/am coming up against a feeling of rock bottom and I am just going through it. Not necessarily gracefully, but I'm doing it. And I am going through it with vivid awareness of all joy that continues to surround me. This is a beautiful thing.

We are not alone.

On a handful of occasions I have chosen to share moments, feelings and experiences from the shadow side on Facebook and Instagram. I don't do it because I want sympathy or attention or think I am unique or special. I do it for the exactly opposite reason. I do it because I am KNOW I am not alone. I know that on any given day at any given moment there is someone out there that is feeling something similar or nearly the same. I do it because I want my social media to not be a one-sided version of happy selfie's and spectacular adventures.  I am deeply aware I am not alone in the tough moments and that has been learned over the years of sharing both on a personal scale of family & friends, as well as, clinical/spiritual settings of treatment groups and women's circles. I also know that not everyone has the same level of knowing the YOU/I/WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Blown Open With Love.

From the moment of posting I started to received heaps of comments, personal messages, texts and phone calls. Some were offering support, some were empathizing/sympathizing, some where friends just checking in. What BLEW ME AWAY where the handful of woman who stepped up and showed up in their own vulnerable strength, who removed the barrier of outward appearance and shared deeply personal struggles/success. My heart has been BLOWN OPEN in the most wonderful way today. Sharing struggles and not focusing on the 'story of what happened' enables a huge amount of genuine connection. 

I apologize to anyone who was alarmed or concerned by my post, it was intended to connect and be vulnerable. I am not crumbling nor am I in any harm. In fact, I am feeling the more clarity than I have in months. As I was reminded by one of the beautiful souls who contacted me, just because I feel sadness does not mean I am sadness. Emotion is energy that we can allow to move through us. 

If you every need someone to talk to, I am here. Always and Forever.

Biggest love to all, from the deepest places of my heart.



What I Learned From Failing A Yoga Challenge

What I Learned From Failing A Yoga Challenge

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There were many reasons why I decided to sign up for a 35 Day Challenge at Yoga Santosha. The biggest reason was to get over a mental hurdle... the hurdle of not completing or failing a challenge back in 2009, where not only did I not complete the 35 days, but I also did not return to the studio for almost a year. By the time I had... I was overwhelmed with shame and it was an uphill climb to get back to a place of self love.

So 5 years later, I decided to give it a try again. And well... I failed again! But I sure did learn some good stuff and I am still full of fierce self love.

  1. Taking part of a challenge forced me to take classes with teachers I would not have otherwise. I noticed that I made flash judgements about teachers, whether I knew them or not. It made me question my reaction and ask why. I dont think I need to love every teachers style at a studio or in the city, but its not about the person or how they teach. It was about me. When I take responsibility for my feelings it leads to a lot more freedom... and a lot more oozing of LOVE.
  2. I loved putting my sticker up on the board... and if I had put all 35 stickers on that board I would not have come face-to-face with a deep seeded belief of your not good enough.  That might not sound like a great thing but it is. I got to lean into those uncomfortable feelings, to remind myself that a sticker is just a sticker... not myself worth. Oh and if anyone else judges me on how many stickers were beside my name - than that is their issue, not mine.
  3. Whether I practice 1 day, 3 days or 6 days a week in studio I still started to see familar faces. Not only that, I started to feel part of the community and it had nothing to do with the yoga challenge. There is no badge of honor that you get to wear if you practice everyday at any one particular studio. We are all people, just trying to get our yoga on when we can.
  4. For the past few years I have gleefully labeled myself a lazy yogi. Whether I label myself or let others label me, it is no excuse to avoid certian practices. All styles of yoga have value, whether I like it or not. I don't need to practice power yoga everyday, but I can still handle it and I should not sell myself short. Not that I needed convincing... Yin and Restorative practices are a godsend.
  5. Challenge regulations required all the practices to be in studio and for me that was tough. Between no fixed address and work schedule, getting to the studio everyday was not an option. Most often, I stuck true to the challenge and practiced at home. Home practice feeds me in a different way than studio practice. I need both and both have value.
  6. Each individual posture has unlimited varitations and depending on the intention of the practice and the day we use specific variations to serve us. When I entered my first challenge my intentions were not pure and they were superficial and misguided. It was about the look, not the act. This time round, I had clear and supportive intentions. I wanted to created more accountibilty around my personal practice. I wanted to ground down into my yoga during a time of uncertainty and craziness in life. I wanted to practice Being Here Now.

And finally... that I love myself just as much in failure as in success. But when I look at it like this, I realize I did not fail at all. In fact I'd say it was a total success!